‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
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AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.