[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
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Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly