Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
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*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Who does Amazon think I am?
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
This kinda thing happens to me often
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
This checks out
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no