[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
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Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers