me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
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So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.