“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
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I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
the Monday after daylight savings
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street