OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
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MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Can’t, holding a grudge
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?