Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
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My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑