YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
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Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin