ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
You Might Also Like
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.