jesus, what did this guy do
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If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
My work here is don’t.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.