WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
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Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist