Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
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CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
I can’t wait!
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also: