My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
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Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
being a writer on Twitter:
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village