*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
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When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.