“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
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“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
WTF IS THAT!
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread