Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
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Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.