me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
You Might Also Like
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
My Guy
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle