Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
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HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]