Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
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My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
it was love at first sight
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
This cat wants you to take your pills
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud