Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
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[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.