Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
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You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Discuss
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Worst Native American name ever.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid