friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
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Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Lol
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”