they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
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Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
When you can’t find your friend Neil
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
I have a type: disappointing
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
*jingles half the way*