Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
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I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Cat is stressing him out.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
A short story of betrayal:
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.