grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
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Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Meme Monday.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.