[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
You Might Also Like
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
👾👾👾
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.