I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
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“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Body by cheese-puffs.