What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
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Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.