I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
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[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Everyone’s family
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
How wrong was this guy?
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.