-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
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I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
you have three unread messages
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle