Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
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Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*