No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
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One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Found the job I’m suited for
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…