If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
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[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials