Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
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My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
this is the greatest thing ever
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?