i was baptized in a car wash
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if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
i wish i could marry a nap
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
My circle of trust is a meatball
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.