Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.