A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
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Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
shit just got real
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Tough love is true love
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own