My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
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Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!