FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
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*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this