it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
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Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
These are too funny not to post 😂
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
This guy’s not having it 😆
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are