I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
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“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records