Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
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My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
mariah carrie
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
How software testing works
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?