I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
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I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
The Joker was right
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.