DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
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I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
is nasa ok
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*