In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
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I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Me if I was a dog
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not