If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
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don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
The news is so predictable nowadays
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!