what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
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God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.