You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
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And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
I’m pretty like a car crash.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
omg leave her alone
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Strangers have the best candy.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif