I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
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KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.